Don't Fall Asleep
by dogkeeper7
Summary: Yata tries to cope with his feelings after witnessing Totsuka's death. One-shot.


This was an idea I had in my head that I just needed to get out. It's my first story for the [K] fandom and I really enjoyed writing it. It's a stand-alone but I might write more for [K] in the future. I _think_ I got the honorifics correct but please don't hurt me if some of them are wrong! Enjoy!

* * *

"_You'll be all right, Totsuka-san. We sent for a doctor. We'll have you fixed up in no time."_

"_Hey.. Don't.. Sweat it.. It'll all work out.. Sorry..."_

"_Totsuka-san? Totsuka-san! Don't fall asleep! Don't do this to us! C'mon!"_

* * *

When Kusanagi-san and I returned to Homra headquarters that night, it was with the burden of informing the entirety of our family of what had happened. Kusanagi-san didn't try to speak to me on the trip back. I was too tied up in my own thoughts, replaying the events over and over in my head. My eyes were hurting and my throat was sore from screaming and crying over Totsuka-san's body. I couldn't help my reactions, I felt so lost as to what to do that I just broke down.

Mikoto-san met us at the door with a sleepy Anna in tow. She was gripping Mikoto-san's shirt and rubbing her eyes. It was past her bed time but something as important as this was something even the youngest member of Homra needed to know about. Mikoto-san had already heard what happened but he still searched both Kusanagi-san and myself as if to prove that we were telling the truth. I found that I couldn't even look into Mikoto-san's eyes and pushed past both him and Anna roughly.

I ran to the bathroom in the back of the bar and locked myself in. It took merely seconds for the agony to rip through me again and I fell to the floor as the sobs began again. Why did it have to be Totsuka-san? What had he ever done to deserve such a thing? That guy was nothing but smiles and cheer, even when you didn't want it.

"Fuck! Dammit! It's not _fucking_ fair! Fuck this shit, I'm going to kill the BASTARD who did this to Totsuka-san! I'LL KILL HIM!"

I couldn't control my screams as I shouted into the bathroom all the things that had been going through my head since we reached Totsuka-san on the roof.

After a while, I felt like I had no more tears in my body left to shed and I stayed slumped against the door. I heard a small knock come from behind me but I chose to ignore it. Having to see anyone right now would probably cause me to lose it again.

"Yata-chan? Come out whenever you're ready. I have the couch set up for you so you don't have to leave tonight."

Kusanagi-san's voice came through the door. Once I heard his footsteps leave the room, I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. There was a streak of blood on my cheek and dark red stains on my white shirt. I quickly stripped my shirt off, knocking my headphones and hat off with it. Bending over the sink, I scrubbed my face until it felt raw. When I looked back in the mirror, my eyes were drawn to the only red left that I could see: my Homra insignia. I brought a hand up to trace over the mark on my skin and stared at the symbol in the mirror. With a sigh, I dropped my hand and reached to grab my bloodied shirt off the floor.

I opened the bathroom and let myself out. There was a drink waiting for me on the ground and I chugged it down, feeling a small amount of alcohol burn my throat. I coughed and sputtered, not expecting the burn since Kusanagi-san didn't approve of anyone in Homra drinking underage. I guess this was a special occasion.

I stripped to my boxers and lay down on the couch, pulling the blanket Kusanagi-san had provided up to my chin. I had fallen asleep on this very couch so many times in the past that I couldn't even count them all. Although I did have my own apartment nearby, one that I used to share with someone else, some nights it just wasn't worth it to leave the comfort and safety of the Homra bar. Since I began living on my own, I had started spending more and more nights on the couch instead of in my own bed.

I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep but my mind wouldn't stop replaying Totsuka-san's death. Finally, after trying for over an hour to will myself asleep, I gave up and pulled out my phone, deciding to play some mindless games to pass the time until morning. Once the daylight started to seep into the Homra bar, I knew it would be okay for me to leave and clear my head in other ways. Until then, I knew Kusanagi-san would want me to stay at the bar.

I quickly grew bored of the few games I had and started to go through different parts of my phone. I went to my messages to check the new ones I'd received but realized they were all from Homra members and I really didn't want to think about the situation right now. As I hurriedly scrolled back to the top to avoid reading what the texts said, I accidentally went to the oldest texts in my phone. Many of the old messages had stars by them which was my way of saving them. The majority of these texts were from an unlabeled number. I hadn't looked at these in months and clicked on the oldest saved text in my phone.

As I read the message, I felt my blood begin to boil but at the same time, a wave of nostalgia hit me hard. The message was from Saru, of course it was, and it simply said that he was excited for us to meet with "king Mikoto-san." It was from a few months after we both joined Homra. There was nothing else in the text to tell what we were meeting with Mikoto-san for but I had apparently felt an attachment to this particular statement and had placed a star by it so I wouldn't delete it.

I didn't feel like going through any more messages after that. Just by glancing, I had noticed the majority of my saved messages were all from the same number, Saru's number. The traitor didn't deserve to have his number in my contacts anymore but for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to delete the messages.

Aggravated, I threw my phone onto the floor beside me and rolled over, hoping I was finally tired enough to go to sleep. I tried to replay moments in my head from the past instead of the awful movie that kept repeating of the events from this night. Every time I would think of a new memory from the past however, they kept being ruined by Saru's presence. I should have known better, I spent more time with him than anyone else until we joined Homra. Even after his betrayal to our family, I still couldn't help the smile that came on my face when I remembered particularly good times we'd had together.

Each memory brought with it new feelings. I tried to pretend, just for now, that he was still a member of Homra. I didn't let myself think in those terms usually because it was just so much easier for me to be pissed at him constantly. In light of recent events though, I needed some cheering up and some of my childhood memories with Saru were enough to send me into a deep sleep at last.

* * *

"Yata-chan.. Yata-chan, wake up.. C'mon Yata-chan, it's already noon, you need to get up now.."

I felt a poking at my side and rolled over to see Kusanagi-san standing over me with a plate of food in one hand. I groaned as the light hit my eyes and cursed at Kusanagi-san for waking me up.

"C'mon kiddo, we have lots of work to do today, unfortunately,"

There was sadness in his voice and I sat up quickly to take in my surroundings.

_Okay, you're in the Homra bar, nothing special about that. And Kusanagi-san brought you food.. That's a little weird. And.. Wait a second.. There's someone missing.. Someone who is usually in charge of waking your ass up when you sleep too late.._

All at once, I remembered the events of the night before. I remembered the sound of Totsuka-san's voice as he apologized, I remembered the feel of him running his bloodied finger across my face, and I remembered most of all the way his body felt as he lost his life in my arms. I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around them, making myself as small as possible.

"Totsuka-san's dead, isn't he?"

My voice was barely above a whisper as I closed my eyes and buried my face into the blanket covering my legs. I heard a sigh from above me and felt someone sit beside me on the couch.

"Yeah, Yata-chan, he's gone.."

Kusanagi-san leaned against the back of the couch, providing comfort by just being there.

* * *

The rest of the day was spent with all of the Homra members. Kusanagi-san closed the bar to outside guests and allowed us to have it to ourselves. We talked about Totsuka-san and our favorite memories of him. It was hard to look around the bar and not see things to remind us of him. His hobbies, usually discarded rather quickly, were everywhere. Eventually, Mikoto-san brought out the projector and put on some of Totsuka-san's videos he'd recorded.

In the middle of a video, Anna quietly asked where Totsuka-san's body was. Mikoto-san took her by the hand and explained that there wasn't anything she needed to worry about, we would take care of everything. Kusanagi-san had told me that there would be a funeral for Totsuka-san in a couple of days but that there were also important things we needed to do.

Late that night, after Anna had been put to bed, Mikoto-san brought out Totsuka-san's camera. He told us that there was a chance we could learn more about what had happened the night before because Totsuka-san might have been filming at the time.

We were silent as the video started. There was a man with his back to the camera, humming some song to himself. We heard Totsuka-san introduce himself to this guy and ask who he was. Suddenly, the guy turned around and shot a gun in the direction of the camera. I couldn't look after that, I felt sick to my stomach and buried my face in my hands. It was at that very moment when I realized I would do anything, _anything_ to bring justice to Totsuka-san. Whoever this "colorless king" was, he was going to pay harshly for killing my friend and family member.

I jumped out of my chair and grabbed my skateboard. I was out the door before anyone could even shout my name. I needed air, I needed the rush of the wind as I flew across the ground, I needed to be away from all the suffocating memories of Totsuka-san.

I sped along the road, hoping that if I went fast enough I could keep the tears from my eyes. I closed my eyes long enough to take a deep breath when suddenly, I was flying off my skateboard and into the air. I instinctively brought my hands up to block my face but I still tumbled hard onto the ground. The breath was knocked out of me and I felt scrapes on my legs and arms.

I lay on the ground, in pain and bleeding. I couldn't help but think maybe it would be easier to just stay here, not return to the bar and the other members of Homra waiting for me. Maybe I should leave, just like Saru had done months ago.

The thought of leaving behind the only people I had ever called my family was enough to change my mind. Unlike Saru, I had been changed by this group of people. Mikoto-san took us in when we had no where to go and no one there for us. He gave us powers and taught us how to use them. He gave us a family where before we had only had each other. It was Saru's own damn fault that he wouldn't change and accept Homra as his family. He seemed to think that I had chosen Mikoto-san over him when in reality, I simply wouldn't have survived without Mikoto-san. The Red King taught me that I wasn't alone, I had a place in Homra's family. Saru just couldn't understand that.

Bruised and bloodied, I went to my apartment. I called Kusanagi-san on the way and apologized for leaving but told him I couldn't come back right now. As I flopped onto my bed after a shower, I pulled my phone out once more. I caught up on my messages I'd been avoiding and began to clear out my inbox. As I got to some messages from Totsuka-san, I starred them and kept going. Soon, all that were left were the starred messages.

As I set an alarm and put my phone away, I briefly wondered if Saru had been told. I surprised myself at this thought but at the same time felt quite certain that no one at Homra would have thought or cared to let him know. Should I be the one to break the news? Could I tell him? Could I even talk to him without screaming and wanting to kill the traitor?

I extracted his number from my saved messages and added a blocking mechanism so he couldn't tell who the call was from. As my phone rang, signaling he was being called, I wondered what I would even say to him.

"Scepter 4 member, Fushimi Saruhiko speaking."

I tried to get the words to come out, I needed to tell him about Totsuka-san. I needed to hear him tell me that things would be okay, like he used to when I was hurt. But the moment I heard his voice, I knew it wouldn't be the same. He didn't care about Homra anymore. He didn't care about Totsuka-san or Kusanagi-san or Mikoto-san and he definitely didn't care about me.

"Hello? Is someone there?"

I hung up the phone at that and buried myself in my covers. I couldn't do it. My eyes felt wet and I realized I was crying again. That damn monkey would just have to learn from someone else. He wasn't part of my family anymore and I didn't owe him a thing. He'd made his choice and I didn't agree with it.

I lay in bed for a long time, just as I had the night before. This time though, I didn't let myself think about Saru. I couldn't afford to have those feelings come back. I couldn't lie to myself even just for a little while. I just couldn't do it anymore.


End file.
